I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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