fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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