She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
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