im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
