If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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