I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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