I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
She's just so happy...and so naked.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Randomize
