You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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