Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
