i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
