just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
