I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Randomize
