I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
