Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
