Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
