I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
