God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Randomize
