Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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