She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
