Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
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