Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
