When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
