Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
