i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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