On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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