I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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