watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
He passed out mid-signature
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
