I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
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