You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
