Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
