I just found puke in my bra..
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
