I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
