you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
