I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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