we're chasing vodka with high fives
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
why does every cop we meet know your name?
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
