I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
