got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
