So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
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