I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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