She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Randomize
