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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Randomize
