Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
