Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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