how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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