i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
I skipped work to stalk him.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
