I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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