I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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