I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
