I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
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