New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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