so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Terrible idea I love it
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
