i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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