I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
