So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
