I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
